"You can do anything, but lay off of my blue suede shoes" --Carl Perkins

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Um, Bans Are Bad. M'kay?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am sorry, but it is obviously high time for a little tough love. A lot of my liberal friends out there are not going to like what I have to say right now, but this story** makes me want to force feed a bleeding heart to the first animal rights activist I smell.

OK. I understand. You are a good-for-nuthin’ hippy slacker like myself, and you are too lazy to read the article linked above. No problem. I can relate. I don’t hate you for that. No, I am fucking disgusted with your sorry sanctimonious ass for agreeing with what the City of Chicago has done. It is not cool, not in any fucking way shape or form to ban any fucking food on this here fucking planet. Especially, and I repeat, especially if it is good fucking food like foie gras.

I am sorry if the poor little geesy-poos are getting overfed. Truly, I am. I am sorry that their ripe swollen livers are ripped from their cute round yummy-nummy-tummykins and are substituted for potted-meat by embarrassingly pretentious housewives. But. I am not sorry when it is used by a skilled chef to prepare a divinely inspired plate of rich buttery goodness. Call me callous, if you will. I'll toast that sentiment with a glass of crocodile tear cabernet.

Seriously, what is wrong with you people? Foie gras tastes really really good, and not only that; but can’t you see that when you ban something, anything, you are no better than any other run-o’-the-mill slop-swilling fascist? I suppose veal is next, hmmm? Then we’ll return to the boiled lobster debate? Then what? Will we start banning all meats that were not duly “processed” by way of lethal injection?

A few tips, my fellow liberals. The reason why you are not finding a foothold in certain debates with the 3-headed aliens on the right, is that some of us, well really you in particular, pal, have our own 3-headed alien ideas.

Here are a few of them:

  • Don’t tell people what they can or can’t eat. Enough said.
  • Don’t tell people that animals can’t be tested. Especially when everything you have consumed, everything you’ve worn, and yes, everything you’ve used to prevent sexually transmitted diseases was tested and will continue to be tested with and by the animals you wuv.
  • Don’t tell people where they can or cannot smoke. It only makes the Libertarians want to sit closer to your table, and honestly, who is ready for that nightmare.
  • And, yes I am sorry, but please; do not tell people that they shouldn’t use animals in sports. Don’t get me wrong. Some banned animal sports are pure jack-booted evil, such as dog fighting, and bear baiting, etc, but the focus of those sports is to invoke harm to one or more animals. They are inherently cruel by their nature. But come on – horseracing*? No decent person wants those horses to be hurt. That’s why we invoke regulations on these sports, not bans. Besides, what would we do with the horses we didn’t race? Cook ‘em and eat ‘em? Just as long as we didn’t force-feed them, right?

Anyway, I digress, but my point is that bans like these are what give us liberals a bad name. This is the fuel that keeps the Fox News witch-fires burning. This is how they come up with those cute little nicknames that roll so easily off a redneck’s tongue. Duh… This is why we are losing so many of our sisters and brothers to the Libertarian abyss.

So, please, I implore you. At least think about it before you get behind something as silly as a foie gras ban. It really is up to you. Eat more force-fed goose today, because only you can prevent Ann Coulter from making the best seller list again tomorrow.


*My apologies to Brittney in misinterpreting her position on the animal sports issue. Her clarification of her position is explained within the comments of this post.

**...and my apologies to Sarcastro for not including the link from where I was first clued in to the Chicago story. So there.


Anonymous brittney said...

I don't ACTUALLY want animal sports banned by law. I just wish that those sports were done away with due to everyone becoming enlightened as to what those poor creatures go through.

No one wants those animals to suffer, you say, but they do.

I'd prefer to educate people about animal rights than force them to do things or ban stuff outright.

I didn't mean to give that impression at NIT.

Thu Jul 13, 07:14:00 PM

Blogger HUCK said...

Sorry about that. I took advantage of the animal right's topic coincidence.

You are right. I'll clarify your position with a footnote.

Thu Jul 13, 07:22:00 PM

Blogger HUCK said...

But hold on. Nothing is ever "done away with", without a huge cultural paradigm shift, and rarely if ever without a law to back it up. So, to truly do away with animal sports, let's face it you'd have to legally ban them.

Thu Jul 13, 07:32:00 PM

Anonymous brittney said...

Yeah, that was more of a WHEN I AM QUEEN sort of statement. Like communism or hate fucking, it is good in theory, but in reality a big ol' mess.

Thu Jul 13, 08:43:00 PM

Blogger John H said...

These goo-goos have apparently never been near a slaughter-house, pig farm or sausage factory. How the hell do they think that most food gets to the table anyway?

Keep the reality light shining, H-man.

Thu Jul 13, 10:01:00 PM

Anonymous Sarcastro said...

Hey, I quit smoking, but could be coaxed into starting back off if it will offend the Smoke Free Tennessee people.

The animal sports will go away as the target demo starts dying off. People will stop going due to a lack of interest or perhaps they will find something more entertaining to do than go to the dog track. Kind of like the Rotary Club and the Shriners, the median age is like Bill O'Reilly's average audience--fucking old. With no new blood to reinvigorate the sport, it will fade away. Like professional bowling.

As for the goose liver, just where do you find these interesting articles, Huck?

Thu Jul 13, 10:32:00 PM

Anonymous Sarcastro said...

That should be .."starting back UP.." instead of "off".

I didn't pay the preposition bill this month.

Thu Jul 13, 10:35:00 PM

Blogger HUCK said...

Er... um... Looks like I forgot a link, Sar. It shall be rectified.

Fri Jul 14, 08:14:00 AM

Blogger HUCK said...


I am hearby stealing the term goo-goos. That is brilliant. There are liberals and then there are goo-goo liberals, and the twain have been forever twisted together as one in day to day wing-nut discourse. It is high time for the distinction to be recognized...

Fri Jul 14, 08:35:00 AM

Blogger jag said...

Sarcastro's a stickler about making sure he gets credit where he believes credit is due.

Ask Chicago if they'll ban eggplant and that red Mexican sauce too. Bet I could find somebody dumb enough to protest those.

Fri Jul 14, 09:05:00 AM

Blogger HUCK said...

Yeah. He's a real fucker, isn't he?

Fri Jul 14, 09:26:00 AM

Anonymous Sarcastro said...

I need all the traffic I can get. I'm a whore that way.

Fri Jul 14, 09:33:00 AM

Blogger Richard Quick, Millionaire said...

They can have my grilled foie gras with cherry chutney and peppercorn brioche when they pry it from my cold, dead, and tastefully bejewelled fingers!

Sarcastro: There's no shame in being a blogwhore. Blogwhores are welcome, nay encouraged, at Get Rich Quick! (my blog)

At least I hope there's no shame in it. I haven't encountered the emotion.

Millionaire Richard Quick
Founder, NAAWP

Sat Jul 15, 12:58:00 PM

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