"You can do anything, but lay off of my blue suede shoes" --Carl Perkins

Friday, September 30, 2005

Yet Another Good Reason to Lick a Toad


Yes, that's right, folks. Evidently, some of that freaky shit you experimented with in college may actually have some long-term positive effects. Maybe not enough to counter the costs of the resulting countless therapy sessions you've since had to endure, but at least, there may have been some health benefits gained.

It turns out that one team of Vanderbilt University Researchers never grew out of this experimental phase, and have thus continued their adventures with strange frog excretions; and what do you know, it appears that all of their hard work and bad trips may have finally paid off.

College campuses across the nation are continuing to spontaneously erupt into mob orgies in mass reaction to the initial report.


In a related story, Bernie 'The Fixer' Rickles, in an effort to increase revenues directed towards his research on finding a cure for his current outbreak of tongue warts, has begun increasing his "free sample distribution visits" to schoolyard playgrounds.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

It's the Greenhouse Effect, Stupid

What? Yet another study to support that nutty "Greenhouse Theory"?

Scientists are the ca-waziest peoples.

Friday, September 23, 2005

God is in the Details

Why don’t they get it?

OK. One more time for the world:

Evolution is simply a process, not unlike the Law of Supply and Demand. If a population has what it takes to have enough of its members survive to the age of reproduction, then that population’s genetic material can be passed on to future generations. If of that population, those members, which survived, did so by means of a particular genetic trait, then that trait has been naturally selected for, and is thus passed on to future generations.

Overtime these traits are reinforced more so than they were in the past, while other traits, which may no longer serve any benefit to the preservation of the population, may not. Those traits that are no longer useful, and are no longer reinforced, will most likely not be passed on to future generations. So, over long periods of time and many many many generations, the process compounds, and consequently, so do the selected for traits.

Then finally, because of the cumulative preponderance of these newer traits, the organisms within this population may no longer share a perceptible appearance with prior generations. Perhaps toss in a few random mutations along the way, or not; and voila, you get a population of organisms with enough genetic variance, compared to other organism populations, to be labeled as a distinct species.

Sorry. There’s nothing mystical about that, folks. I do find it quite beautiful, though.

Unfortunately, there are people out there that feel the need to add something more to the process, to manipulate it, to direct it, to mutate it. They want to rewrite history; the way we came to be. I don’t know why. I can't figure it out. Maybe they enjoy playing God, or something.

Selfishness or Hopeful Optimism?

Could the displacement of millions of New Orleans residents, due to the mass destruction brought about by Hurricane Katrina, result in the diffusion of its rich culture across the Southern United States?

This years’ New Orleans themed Voodoo Music Festival will be held in Memphis, featuring a large number of New Orleans based performers. If the reconstruction process of New Orleans stretches into years, and subsequently interferes with the city’s regularly held cultural events, such as Mardi Gras or Jazz Fest, could Memphis eventually become the recipient of New Orleans’ cultural inheritance?

Is it selfish of me to want Memphis to be the new home of Mardi Gras, or am I simply being hopefully optimistic for the survival of New Orleans culture? Yeah, I’m being both.

…But wouldn’t it be cool!


Hat tip to: TheoGeo and Mr Roboto for the Voodoo Music Festival info

Thursday, September 22, 2005

By Whose Definition of Objective?

CNN has released an article announcing that an inter-faith coalition has compiled a Bible studies textbook targeted for the public school systems. I’ve read the article, and it does say that secularists did contribute to the book’s development. However, the article never admits that the book delivers its message in a strictly secular context. Here’s what it does say:

The textbook follows detailed principles in a 1999 accord, "The Bible and Public Schools," brokered by Bible Literacy and the First Amendment Center, a non-partisan program of the Freedom Forum devoted to constitutional liberties. That accord is endorsed by seven major educational organizations and Christian, Jewish and Muslim groups.

Yet there is no mention of any endorsements by any secular group.

According to CNN, this is what the coalition has worked very hard to contend with:

The U.S. Supreme Court's 1963 decision barring schoolroom Bible recitations said that "the Bible is worthy of study for its literary and historic qualities" if "presented objectively as part of a secular program of education."

If this text truly has done that, then bully for its publishers. The Bible has played a tremendous force in shaping all aspects of our society, and should be studied for all its secular contributions. However, I fear that if and when this text is brought under the scrutiny of the eyes of a newly Bush appointed and conservative Supreme Court, certain biases may conveniently serve to blur some the book’s underlying content.

Be assured that I will be closely following this issue as it develops in the next few months.

God Bless Americana!


Hey, is anyone out there headed to this besides me?

I can't friggin wait!

I'm a sucker for a good folk and blugrass festival. Here's to hoping this one will be a winner, too.

...Sounds like it will. Check out the line up.

Does anyone have any reports from this festival from previous years? If so, I'd love to hear 'em.

...Or even better, can anyone recomend some other great Bluegrass/Americana/Folk festivals for me? Nothing makes 'ol Huck happier than a good festival.

BTW... If you're ever down Birmingham way be sure to also drop in on The Acoustic Cafe. This had always been my annual haunt before moving up to the big Nashcity. I saw, heard, and sometimes hung out around the campfire with some of the greats while camping there: Sam Bush, Norman Blake, and Doc Watson along with plenty of other great pickers and good people. ...Never had a bad trip... If you ever make it down that way, be sure to say hello to Steve for me...

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Psych!

They ain't droppin no more...

...gas prices that is.

Click on the post title, "Psych!", for the reasons why.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Get'n Ready for Freddy

I know it’s still early, but I don’t care. I love Halloween.

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday, my wife’s too. No kidding, our house has been decorated for it since Labor Day. …No, not with all that creepy shit. So, don’t go calling DHS to come rescue my kids from our house of horrors. I mean it. If they ring my doorbell, I'll give 'em the “box”. I swear I’ll do it. Seriously though, I assure you, it’s all harmless - pumpkins and googley-eyed cartoon ghosts only. I promise.

For my wife Halloween has always been about the kids, the decorating, and the candy. For me it’s all about the costume. It’s all about my need to be someone else for a while –an escape, a regression to my childhood. For example, a couple years back I dressed up as the icon of my favorite band from middle school, ‘Eddie’ from Iron Maiden. Behind that mask for that one night, I was The God of Hell Fire ™, and Lo the mountains did crumble, and the seas did boil, and Yea; unto this little world Huck brought forth the terrible majesty of Rock! Rock… rock… rock… Then, the next morning I was back to my old self again with a shrunken ego and an enormous hangover.

Back in Birmingham, almost every year we would throw a costume party, and every year we would hold a contest for the best costume. When we didn’t throw our own party, we always made sure to attend one somewhere else. I always wore my favorite costumes to other peoples’ parties, so I have never won any of my own contests.

But, if I had to pick my favorite costumes that I have worn, I would first have to separate the picks into 2 categories, childhood and adult.

My favorite as a child would most definitely be Darth Vader. I think I wore it three years in a row, until finally, the area where the elastic band attached to my plastic mask could no longer hold another staple.

My favorite as an adult would be the time I dressed up as a TV evangelist, and my wife dressed up as a hooker. Unfortunately, I was mistakenly identified by some burnout in the crowd as J.R. Ewing. So, I’m not sure how many people actually got the real joke of it. Still it was a cool look for me – sort of a Rock-a-Billy version of Jerry Falwell, complete with snakeskin boots, a polyester suit, and big evangelist Brill Cream hair. Classic.


Now it’s your turn:
1. What was your favorite Halloween costume that you wore as a child?
2. What was your favorite Halloween costume that you’ve worn as an adult?

Monday, September 19, 2005

Enough About Me…


Well, I’m afraid I may have run a few of you off with my last post. I truly hope not. It was a weird weekend, and I was handing out insults to anyone with a bellybutton. Today I am much less self-absorbed and important, and I’d like to apologize to anyone that I may have offended. Sorry.

…But enough about me. I want to hear from you folks.

I’m learning something about blog communications. People are more likely to contribute their comments when they are offered the chance to express to others certain aspects of their own personalities. More specifically, people love to list their favorites. When they do, they are able to define the aspects about themselves that they are most proud. We love to show off.

For now on, somewhere in between my other ramblings, I will randomly post a question with hopes of prompting y’all to contribute lists of your favorite things.

So… Lets get right to business with an easy one.

I’ve always had a fascination with comic books. When I was younger I would collect everything from Alpha Flight to the X-Men. Even nowadays I’ve been known to don a trench coat and some dark glasses and slip into The Great Escape for a quick fix from The GOON or Tom Strong, both of which I highly recommend.

Sometimes I still like to daydream about which comic book character I would like to be for a while. You do too. Don’t play. You do.

So, which is it? What super powers would you like to have for a day and why? What comic superhero is your favorite? Which one suits your personality better than others?

I’ll even start:
· I’d love to be able to walk through time.
· My favorite superhero is probably Dr. Strange.
· Hell Blazer/John Constantine probably suits my personality more than most, although, I no longer smoke, and I’m not half as cool.


But enough about me…

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Ding Dongs

Have you ever answered your front door to find that you are suddenly at a loss for words? What do you do when you hear a *Ding Dong*. Here are some helpful answers to some of those peskier questions:


Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?

Why? Can he get us out of Iraq?


Have you found Jesus?

No. But I’ve found Waldo lots of times, but then of course he’s probably easier to find because he likes to wear red stripes. Jesus always dresses so drab. Don’t you think? Now Satan… That pimp’s got style, fo sheezy.


Have you let Jesus into your heart?

Oh no. Not again. Last time I invited that dude over, he got so lit-up he almost knocked over the ether jar in the meth lab. Hey! Watch out for that pelican! They work for the feds, you know. …I… I’m sorry. Did you want to come in?


Would you mind if I pray for you?

No. Would you mind if I let my gimp sniff your crotch while I warm up some lubricant?


Or…
You could bypass all of their questions.
I’ve found this technique to work the best:

To prepare, first find a shoe box and wrap it in brown paper. Then place it somewhere within close proximity to your front door. You want it to be accessible when you hear the first ring of the door bell.

Then when the wackos come-a-callin…
Open the door and hand them the box. As soon as you do, make sure you put on the most crazed look you can muster while folding your hands together in prayer.
Then in your loudest high-pitched squeal chant, “Alalalalalalalalalalalalalalah”.

Then kick back and watch the freaks scatter. It works every time… guaranteed.

So give these tricks a try, kids. But always remember, the most important thing is to have fun while you are pissing off the Religious Right.

Hope this has helped.

Now get the Hell off my lawn.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

It's Time to Revisit a Classic


'My president has a nickname, it’s D_U_B_Y_A…’

Remember when this jingle could be heard cracking on Carter’s leadership problems back in the 70’s?

Well guess what? The song might just have to be re-written again soon.

‘…cuz Dubya Bush has a way of fucking up the USA!’

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Pledging Under a Different Power

I’m going to surprise some of you who read this with my thoughts on this ruling; all both of you:

To be completely honest, I’m not crazy about this. Yes, I am all for the separation of church and state. Yes, I am all for keeping religion out of our public schools. But, I am also against federal mandates that suppress culture.

But, before I can go further, I need to reveal something about myself. Although my job title labels me as a Systems Analyst, I am actually more academically qualified to be conducting ethnographic field studies in the Amazon Basin. That’s right, I have a degree that rewards any lucky recipient with all of the qualifications needed to spend a lifetime of burger flipping. I have a BA degree in Anthropology. What I am really trying to say is, that I am a big fan of protecting cultural identities. Anthropology majors are hip like that.

This is what I mean, although all of these beliefs are not definitive of all students, teachers, practitioners, or fans of Anthropology:
1) I don’t like colonialism, or cultural imperialism.
2) I don’t like evangelism. It destroys culture and personal belief systems. Your beliefs are beautiful and sacred to you, but they may not be to others. Keep them to yourselves, please.
3) Subsequently, I don’t like the idea of missionaries, but I do love the Peace Corp, Red Cross, and other secular relief organizations. Why can’t people give their time and money to help people without having an ulterior agenda before they do? Refer to the movie, Black Robe, for a little enlightenment on this issue.
4) I don’t like “Big Brother”, and thereby I don’t like government-mandated restrictions upon culture.

Number 4 from this list applies heavily to my feeling regarding this ruling. First of all, counter to what the French may believe, we Americans do have culture. Our culture may not be as homogeneous nor as old as theirs by any stretch, but we do indeed have culture. Unfortunately, ours may contain things as grossly obscene as Micky D’s and The GAP, but for better or worse, they are still ours, damn it. So is the Pledge of Allegiance, and so are the words as they have been recited for years and adopted by our people.

I am torn on this ruling. I don’t want the mention of ‘God’ in the ‘Pledge’ to be the loophole that allows religion to slip into the ruling decisions of our government, but I also don’t want our government to force a removal of a cultural icon from our lives. To federally remove culture at any level is the more slippery of the two slopes. Therefore, I feel the only answer to this conundrum is to allow the words to be spoken as they have been spoken for the majority of their existence. This ruling needs to be challenged.


Hat tip to Brittney for the link:

Monday, September 12, 2005

Sweet Oblivion

Fwop… Click… Fwop, Fwop… !

Hear that? No? I, sure as Hell, can. It’s the sound of my brain cells imploding one by one every time I change the channel.

…and guess what? I could give a flying fhuck less.

TV will do this to you. It will quickly drop your will to give-a-damn faster than… well, faster than blogging can.

So, it’s true. I’ve allowed television to sneak its ugly way back into my life; all weekend long, in fact.

Yep, ol’ Huck had one rip-roarin good time this weekend. There’s nothing like sprawling out on the couch, propping up the remote arm with a pillow, and letting the drool flow freely for 48 short hrs of sweet vegetative bliss. It’s more mind numbing than a double shot of Thorazine to a catatonic, but with twice the groggy feeling the next morning. Oh oblivion, where is thy sting!

Now, I want you all to know, by the way, that I didn’t fall off the wagon on my own. Oh no, I’d like to thank my darling wife for that help. You see, unbeknownst to me, I came home Friday evening to find that my house had grown a strange new appendage on the back left corner of my roof. At first I thought it might have been due to the effects of the buzzing power lines nearby, much like the weird thing on the neighbor kid’s forehead; but to my horror, I realized instead, that I was then and there the proud owner of a new satellite dish.

My wife can’t be blamed entirely for her moment of weakness. We had been cableless for the past 2 years when we had decided to cut our financial corners, and do away with all but the most essential utilities. Since that time, however, we both had kicked around the idea of one-day getting cable television again, but only on the agreed stipulation that we would never return to one of the coaxial providers. I had no idea that it would happen so soon, though, or that my new home would end up resembling the funny looking kid next door.

So once again I have my old addiction back to supplement my other self-destructive habits. With each new click of the remote and as each new tat on Miami Ink is applied, soon the world will start to slow down again as my attention span and short term memory become shorter and shorter… As my short term memory becomes shorter and…*Click*

…as my short term memory becomes… Fwop!

Friday, September 09, 2005

It's got me pegged

The "World's Smallest Political Quiz" over at Advocates for Self-Government tells me I'm a Liberal/Libertarian with a Personal issues Score of 100%, and a Economic issues Score of 50%.

I think it's got me pegged.

Thanks to Aunt B for the link.

My Southern State of Mind

I am a Suthner; pronounced just as it is written. I call myself this not only because of the fact that I was born and bred in the Heart of Dixie, or if I may: Sweet Home Alabama, but instead for the honest to goodness reason that it embodies the very philosophy I lived by.

What is the philosophy of the Suthner, you may ask? Well, Pa Perkins, I think, summed it up best in his Rockabilly anthem, Blue Suede Shoes, in which he declared his divine Southern right to bear whup-ass when ultimately confronted with the last straw. It’s an ideal we in the South hold very near and dear to our hearts. We are all for ‘live and let be’, but don’t let yer liv’n and be’n go so far as to piss us off.

Traditionally the South is a very easy-going place to live, but every now and then, and it is rare, something will rile us just enough to move us to action. That’s what it’s all about for me. I’m a laidback sort of guy who will be your buddy even after you’ve injured and insulted me. However, every now and then something will work its way right under a nerve; the nerve that pulls the trigger to the lid on my genetic can o’ whup-ass, and when that happens; whoa Nelly… the South will rise again, baby! Afterwards, though, it’s no big deal. I’m your long lost buddy from way back.

This same ideology holds true in my approach to politics and religion. Normally, I’m an easygoing Southern man who only wants to be left alone. I believe this is probably a very common trait, especially among older southern mindsets. (Unfortunately, we are all too familiar with the negative side of this mentality when it went off the extreme deep end, serving to create the Confederacy for more than one terrible reason.)

So, to sum up, I am a laid back Suthner: a “Suthern Libral”. I think everyone has the right to the “pursuit of happiness”. In fact, my biggest pet peeve, the one that tweaks that nerve enough to raise my Rebel Yell, is when someone enforces their belief system onto another individuals belief system. That, right there my friends, is when you step on ol’ Huck’s “blue suede shoes”.

For fun, here is a short list of some of the things that happen to fall under the category of stepping on my blue suede shoes:

· The push to impose Creationism into the science classroom
· The push to integrate church and state
· The Religious Right’s definition of marriage
· Basically anything the Religious Right believes

So, if I may say, in my most sugary Suthern drawl:

Y’all come…

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Oh, What the Fhuck?

"Oh, What the Fuck?" I've asked myself this very question with greater regularity in the past few months, ever since I moved to Nashville. Why? Because moving here marked the moment that I stepped off of the tangible firmament of reality and into the strange virtual fantasy of blogs. From that point on, like a schizoid junky jumping from taste to feast to taste to feast, I couldn't get away from my blog habit. Now, everyday I wake up pheeming for a new fix, wondering where I last commented, and how my responses might have been interpreted. Before moving here I worried only about what I needed to do at work that day. No longer.

It started with finding a news source to orient myself to my new community, to find some idea of what Nashville the town, the people, and the culture was all about. So I started reading news sites from around town. It was all quite innocent at first; checking the local weather forecasts, reading up on current events, taking in a few short band reviews, etc… And then… And then The Scene started PITW, the heartless bastards, and at the first maniacal rant on Intelligent Design I was hooked. Hooked like a fat-assed talk radio host at an Oxycontin orgy. It was the beginning of the end.

So, I started to comment, throwing in a quip here and there. Every now and then I’d link to a news source to support someone else’s argument. Quickly my comments grew longer. My rants became essays, and I began to research and follow the news and current events to levels so obsessive, that they would even shame a political advisor.

I got to know the regulars. Who already had blogs of their own and those like me, the barflies of the blogosphere, the blogflies if you will, who hung around no longer to simply lurk but to comment, and to comment often. It was only a matter of time before I would fall even further.

Soon the threads were dying too quickly for me. PITW couldn’t keep up with the consuming beast in my brain, so I started linking out. First it was to NiT with their sexy, delicious, and ever-changing aggregator. Oooh. I get the shakes just thinking about it. Then I started linking to personal blogs from the name links of individual posters. It took no time to become a regular at each of these new homes as well.

The frontier was endless and the blogs flowed like milk and honey. From that time until now I was one happy little junky.

…Until it happened. The first blogfly from PITW that I knew got his own blog. A day later stumbling down a blogroll from another personal site, I linked onto another former fellow blogfly now with their own personal blog. It was at that moment; I knew my time was up. I could never turn back. I could never go home again.

So, here I am today, and with this very post I both symbolically and literally come to terms with the monkey on my back, I hereby resign my efforts to curb my habit, and plummet headfirst into my full-blown addiction.

…And so it is done.

Let this be a warning to all who look upon my shame:
Don't make the same mistakes I've made.
If you’re out there lurking. You know who you are. If you’re out there reading this and haven’t yet begun to comment. Look away. No, run away as fast as you can from your computer. Go outside; maybe take a walk in the park. Pick up a book. Join a club with people that you actually interact with, face to face. Do it… before it’s too late.

As for the rest of you already in the blogging community…
Um, could you add me to your blogroll, please?


Thanks for your support,

Huck